Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
