It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
