Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
