Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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