if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
