I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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