take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
