you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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