He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
