someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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