So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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