saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
