I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Randomize
