Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
