My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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