I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
