I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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