I think I died a long time ago.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
