and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
