I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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