I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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