just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
