'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I look better un-naked...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Randomize
