I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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