I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
