I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
