Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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