I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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