i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
