I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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