I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
You are a genius and a whore.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
wow bdsm is so cute
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
