is your mom at the bar?
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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