I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
