My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
