i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Randomize
