i jhust puked up my retainher.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
