You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
