I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
