Duck Duck Cougar?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
