i jhust puked up my retainher.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
