she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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