a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
