just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
