dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
