I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
