you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
