She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
