i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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