Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Im part way to drunk.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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