Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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