Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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