when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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